I've decided to start writing about my relationship with Patrick because I've realized that after multiple relationships and relationship attempts, I still don't know all that much about how healthy relationships work, so I want to have a dedicated space to share about my learning journey, and, well, admittedly while I wait to wed.
Background: I've been in a few relationships before, one was a summer fling when I was in high school, lasted about 5 months together, it just wasn't meant to be.
The next one was a bit trickier, I guess she was my college girlfriend - even though she hadn't been in college for years at that point - we dated for 4 years, and on top of that, most of the time it was a long distance relationship. Around the two year mark, we got engaged as it would make the visa process easier for her.
Suffices to say, things didn't work out. See, we got engaged in January 2020. A few months later the world changed, and God did it change. The next time I saw her was almost two years later, in January 2022 and we were already broken up by then.
But the relationship was already tense by then. When I started dating my ex, I was 18 and I admittedly didn't have a whole lot of experience with relationships. My ex had anger control issues, and I was very passive back then, I accommodated her, and my non-confrontational nature made it so if we had any issues, I wouldn't talk to her about it.
The dynamic we developed was horrible. We'd be okay, and then she'd get mad at me for something I considered stupid, maybe I forgot to run an errand, or use an xp booster in Pokemon Go, or forgot to order sauce with out take out. It didn't matter, she got mad at me and she wouldn't tell me why she was mad at me, so I apologized for several random things - which made her be even more mad since "I should know why she was angry about" - in any case, whenever she was angry she'd stop talking to me and reject any affection if we were together, or she'd stop replying my messages or reply in monosyllables or single sentences. This could last anywhere between a few hours and two weeks.
I'd spend the whole time begging her to forgive me and having a bad time, crying a lot for sure and unable to focus on anything else. Then she'd magically forgive me and we wouldn't talk about it ever again.
I was so relieved she forgave me, I didn't want to trigger her again by talking about it and neither did she apparently. This went on for around 3 years.
But something happened in 2021 that changed me. We started watching Loki together. You know, the Disney + Show, and in there I watched how two assholes (Loki and Sylvie) fell for each other and became better people because of it. I loved their dynamic, they were really trying. I wanted someone to look at me like Loki looked at Sylvie, feel that love and adoration. I wasn't getting that in my relationship, in fact, I felt like my ex wanted to punish me and did so on purpose.
But the next time we argued, things were different. Instead of crying, begging and going after her, whenever I felt bad I rewatched Loki. I felt inspired to take some classes, so I did that and joined a language course. I started going out and rock climbing.
It reached a point where I was looking forward to my ex and I arguing so I could have "me" time and do things that made me feel bad, because with my ex I had to be very, very careful with everything I said as anything could be a trigger for her.
The last few arguments we had consisted in her not talking to me for two weeks because I changed my phone wallpaper from one of us together to an anime background. And the one that triggered the breakup is when we were having an e-date on Disney+, and I jumped straight to the post credits scene. She broke up with me for doing that.
It sounds horrible but the days after that, although emotionally hard, were great. I felt so relieved. But then my ex wanted to get back together and blamed the breakup on an anxiety attack. But I was feeling so good by myself I didn't want to get back with her. She freaked out and came to Canada all the way from Colombia and stayed 6 months around trying to get me back. Everyone tried to convince me to get back together with her, but I envisioned the rest of my life being like that and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to be happy.
I feel like that relationship messed me up a lot, it took me a very long time to be myself and stop walking on eggshells, I wasn't ready to date until a year and a half since the breakup, and at first I had a somewhat anxious attachment style. I've been working on it and getting better, but I still think of how that relationship affected me so much. It's taken a lot of conversations with my therapist, and ChatGPT to make sense of it, so I'm glad things are good now.
Current: I've been dating Patrick for almost two years, we've been through a lot, and lately I can't stop thinking about marriage, moving in together and taking in the next step in general.
I'm a bit afraid he's stringing me along and that our relationship will stay the same for the years to come. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm the kind of person that wants marriage and kids and has a timeline for it, I have boundaries now I suppose.
On the other hand, I've been living on my own for almost 8 years now, I'm at the stage where I want to build a life with a partner. Patrick has always lived at home or with roommates, he's never had the chance to live by himself so who says he won't get the urge to enjoy his bachelor lifestyle once he gets his own place..? What if I'm wasting my time with him..? It's hard not to spiral sometimes.
But I also acknowledge I can't force him to do something he's not ready for, it's a recipe for disaster, so it's up to me whether I'm willing to wait or not.
Okay, this makes me sound marriage crazed. I'm not. A small voice in my head keeps saying "if he wanted to, he would" but it's not that simple, I understand there are some circumstances going on. If I ask this on Reddit, I'll just be told those are excuses and to dump him and find someone who will meet me at where I'm at, but I don't want just anyone, I want him, also Redditors are so full of shit.
It's not about a wedding, I don't care for rings or weddings to be honest, but marriage is something I want. My home life wasn't very stable growing up, and now I'm looking for stability wherever I can. I'm aware that's my problem and that I need to work on it, I'm a functional adult. I have a job, a place, a car and all of those adult things. I just wish to share my life with my partner, and there's nothing wrong with wanting that.
I'd be good with getting engaged now, he won't consider it until we've been together for another year at least. I can compromise on that and wait. I guess the situation here is that I want to build my life with him, not around him. I want us to do things together, not in parallel.
